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Gratitude
“Will
this suffering ever end? One way or another, my seeking and
suffering must end! I’m at the end of my rope—I
simply can’t take it anymore!”
That was
my state of mind in mid November, 2004. In twenty-five years
I’d read hundreds of books on subjects ranging from
psychology, philosophy and mind-control, to Zen Buddhism,
Christian Mysticism, Taoism and Advaita-Vedanta. Yet, still
I found myself seeking, suffering and searching for the
answer to end all questions, and bring an end to this deeply
painful and nagging sense that something is drastically
wrong—something is wrong with me, and something is wrong
with the world.
“You
cannot possibly say that you are what you think yourself to
be! Your ideas about yourself change from day to day, and
moment to moment. Your self-image is the most changeful
thing you have. It is utterly vulnerable, at the mercy of a
passer-by. To know what you are, you must first
investigate and know what you are not. The clearer
you understand that on the level of mind you can be
described in negative terms only, the quicker you will come
to the end of your search and realize your limitless being.”
—Nisargadatta Maharaj
BAM!
These words struck me to the core. It came in the mail like
several dozen others I devoured in 1998, but this
odd-looking, black and gold book, whose title exclaimed I AM
THAT in bold, capital letters, marked the beginning of the
end of seeking and suffering—the beginning of the end of the
‘me’ I took myself to be.
Over the
next five years I read and re-read the book slowly several
times. Nisargadatta’s potent words were sinking in, and I
was starting to know in my own direct experience what he was
pointing to—I am not the person I believed myself to be, I
am consciousness, I am that which is aware. I could feel it,
sense it—I knew it directly. What a change in perspective,
what a new way of experiencing life! My world was literally
being turned inside-out. I was no longer in the world, the
world was in me! He was right! Amazing!
“The
air is thick with smells and sights and sounds. Rays of the
hot, July sun are dancing on my cheeks as scores of bumble
bees flow with the breeze from flower to flower. The field
of knee-high corn sways with the top of the sixty-foot pine
trees along the edge of the shaded pond. The echo of bullfrogs
croaking creates a symphony in quadraphonic sound. Two black
crows are perched and cawing above. With each step along the
muddy path I sink deeper into the heart of life. The clouds
and the breeze, the sun and the trees, the birds and the
bees are all one. The path and the pond, the frogs and their
song, one last step and I’m gone—it’s all me!”
Waking up
in the morning, showering, eating breakfast and driving to
work—all happening to no one, and by no one! The universe is
alive! The universe is functioning and I am that
functioning. I am that life. There’s no separate person in
the body. There’s only universal life functioning
beautifully and naturally on its own, and I am That!
And then
SLAM! I came crashing back to my own little world of me and
mine, and the suffering continued. What happened! Where’s my
peace! God, help me, please! There was always something to
pull me back into the pain—a failed marriage, broken
relationships, a lack of purpose, parents and family falling
sick and dying. It was always something.
But I
knew it was possible to be free of seeking and suffering.
I’d seen it, I knew it and experienced the truth of who I
am—this simple presence of awareness that is the very
essence of all life. But it seemed to be eluding me and I
was suffering terribly. I needed help. I felt that I needed
to meet someone who knew the truth that Nisargadatta was
pointing to and could help me get clear once and for
all—that was my hope.
“The
sense of presence expressing through the mind as the thought
‘I am’ is pure intelligence-energy. It is the knowing that
you are. The same intelligence-energy is functioning this
universe. That innate intelligence is the essence of
everything that appears and disappears. Realize that you are
aware of presence right now. You know that you are. It
spontaneously arises. The vibration, pulsation or throb of
that intelligence is happening spontaneously. There is
nothing to start it; nothing to stop it. Realize there is no
one to do it, and nothing to do, and it will settle down of
its own accord.”
—‘Sailor’ Bob Adamson
In 2004 I
learned of a man called 'Sailor’ Bob Adamson from Australia
who has been sharing the same message as Nisargadatta
Maharaj for decades. Bob suggested I contact John Wheeler,
as John lives in the U.S. as I do.
“So the
belief in the existence of a separate self and our identity
with that is the root of the problem. But eventually you
come round to asking if the limited self that we have been
taking ourselves to be is real or even present. If it is
real, then we should be able to find it. So where is it?
What is it actually? You come to see that all suffering is
based on a cause which, upon investigation is found to be
completely non-existent. Seeing this, all possible doubts
and questions are undermined and cannot survive.
Simultaneously, you come to see that you are inseparable
from that natural state of presence-awareness which is
inherently free, whole and complete. Nothing or no one can
shake you from this understanding. It is the fact of your
being, and you are that.”
—John Wheeler
WOW! Is
this Nisargadatta come back to life? Amazing! The quote
above is from one of my many dialogues and phone
conversations with John over a period of six months. In
November of 2004 I flew to California to attend John’s
meetings and meet with him personally. Some of the dialogues
between he and I are recorded in his book Shining in
Plain View.
What a difference it made to
have John personally point out to me what Nisargadatta and
'Sailor' Bob Adamson had pointed out to him and many others.
John’s consistent and clear pointing was exactly what I
needed. I am extremely grateful. It’s my hope that you find
the same benefit.
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